A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y
by Charon
Summary: Precisely what the title implies. (^_~)
1. He played knick-knack on my thumb

A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y  
  
Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of  
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.  
  
( Muahaha! None shall escape the fury of the semi-blunt quill of the bard   
of the senshi! Not DiC, nor original, nor manga, nor fanfics--even my own!   
Unfortunately, this 'fic was written way, way before Cloverway dubbed the S &  
SS season-- alas, so much parody fodder lost. Of course, poking fun at the   
later dubs might have been just a *tad* too easy. And yes, this means that this   
fanfic is ancient, one of my first ones ever. I can write better now, really. *cough*   
Just smile and nod.)  
  
~*~  
  
It was a normal day in Tokyo--WAS it Tokyo? It appeared to be so, yet   
with names such as 'Crossroads Junior High' and 'The Cherry Hill Temple'   
no one could be absolutely sure-- which was to say that in any other city   
it would be considered a most extra-ordinary day. Of course, in this city   
which might or might not be Tokyo --it depends upon who is telling the   
story and exactly what point of the story has been reached, you see-- it   
is not an uncommon occurrence to have your Heart Crystal, Star Seed,   
Dream Mirror or whatever the current trend dictates is the name for your   
soul/energy stolen or to be turned into a block of ice or hideous creature   
as you walk down the street. Anyway, as I was saying, anyone who was   
used to living in this particular city would have called it an ordinary day.  
  
In the copious grounds of a temple --whether it was an ancient   
Hikawa Shinto temple or a vague 'Cherry Hill' temple no one could quite   
agree upon... it was accepted that the building WAS a temple of some sort   
though--a group of five teenage girls, two cats, and strangely enough, a   
handsome young man are gathered. There is nothing really strange about   
the young man, except for his drop-dead good looks which often make him  
the target of the current villainess of the season of course. What WAS   
strange was the fact that while this young man was very good friends   
with the young girls, in fact he was usually saving the life of one or the   
other of them, he was rarely invited to any of these types of meetings.   
Strange, ne?  
  
[[ "OUCH!" Charon gets knocked over the head with a Time Staff.   
"This is supposed to be about the ENGLISH version, Charon! Don't go  
spouting Japanese in the middle!" the woman with long green hair   
admonishes.   
"Okay, okay... Geez, you're not even supposed to be in here, Pluto!"]]   
  
I MEANT... Strange, right? Well, actually he never WAS informed about the  
true identities of the other Sailor Scouts besides Sailor Moon... although   
he must have figured it out sometime in-between his lapses of memory or  
he wouldn't even be here now. Stranger and stranger...or as the saying goes   
in this city 'Commoner and commoner'.  
  
Since there hadn't been an attack on the city for DAYS several of the   
people gathered at this temple are planning on moving away to other   
countries. Obviously the threat to Tok--err..the city had passed and while   
various evil entities had been attacking this specific part of Earth for   
some years, everyone was quite sure that after the Sailor Scouts latest   
triumph evil villains from around the universe would grow brains and   
stop attacking Earth. Or at least they would stop attacking this particular   
city on Earth.  
  
Ahhh...the warm, fuzzy feeling of (misplaced) eternal optimism.  
  
Well, not everyone was so optimistic...  
  
"Why don't you simply give me my own communicator?" the dark haired   
young man whines. He had obviously been spending too much time with   
his pig-tailed girlfriend.  
  
"If I had a communicator you could contact me along with the Scouts   
when an evil monster attacks. That way I wouldn't have to wait until I   
sense that Sailor Moon is in danger and I could actually arrive in time to   
HELP in a fight!" Darien continues as his voice changes four times during   
his speech. [[ And you thought that he was old enough for his voice to have  
broken already! Poor Darien with his voice actor curse...]]  
  
Darien, along with half of the people at this gathering, had no known last   
name.(Well, at least in THIS version he didn't.) While this might help keep   
their identities secret from the bad guys, it was really murder when   
taking a standardized test.  
  
"But Darien," speaks up the girl who appears to be wearing a long red and   
white robe "that would absolutely RUIN your grand entrances! If you were   
in the middle of the fight the entire time then how could you make a   
dashing entrance just as we are about to be overcome? How could you   
appear in the nick of time to throw those adamantium covered roses and   
save us with an inspiring speech?"  
  
The four other girls gathered in front of the temple add their agreement.  
  
"Yeah, it's definitely worth getting beat up a little just to see you make   
your entrance!" says Mina, who was one of those who didn't have a last   
name. "And...uhhh, Darien? Would you mind coming down off the porch   
railing? I'm getting a crick in my neck looking up at you."  
  
Darien, who had been balanced on top of the temple's porch railing the  
entire time, [[ Did I forget to mention that fact? Ah well, for Darien,   
balancing far above the ground on various objects isn't unusual at all. ]]   
sighs and elegantly leaps down to land next to Serena. Apparently he had   
gotten a bit TOO used to giving speeches from aerial advantage points.  
  
"It's still not fair. The Scouts get communicators and other cool gadgets...  
not to mention super-natural powers... while I get to fight with   
a bunch of roses and a cane. Plus, everyone KNOWS I am the unofficial   
Scout of the Earth! Why can't we make it official and give me some REAL  
powers?" Darien sits down on the porch steps and promptly Serena   
climbs into his lap.  
  
Amy Anderson, lucky to be the daughter of a doctor AND to have a last   
name, briefly looks up from her Advanced Metaphysical Morphology Book.   
She can only look up BRIEFLY since she is only thirty-five chapters ahead   
of her class.  
  
"You know that for some-strange-and-otherwise-unknown-reason there   
are NO male Sailor Scouts. Anyway, I don't think you would look too good   
in a mini-skirt and high heeled boots, Darien" Amy winks at the dark   
haired young man."But if you REALLY want a power, you can have my   
'Mercury Bubbles Blast' attack. It's completely useless to me..." the blue   
haired girl offers.   
  
In any other city having blue hair would have made Amy stand out, but   
apparently blue, green, purple, polka-dotted orange, and pink zebra striped   
hair colors were common in this city.  
  
Unnaturally large --or perhaps should I say NATURALLY large-- sweat   
drops break out on the heads of the people gathered around.  
  
"Uhhh...Amy, I wouldn't exactly call 'Mercury Bubbles Blast' an ATTACK per  
se...." begins Lita, the tallest female in the group.  
  
Amy looks up from her textbook again and glares at Lita. The tall brunette,   
fearing the awesome power of Amy's brain, quickly hurries on.  
  
"Ummm...but it IS useful...ummm, yeah...when we want to retreat we can   
use it to cover our tracks! Yeah... Although it DOES make us stumble into   
each other in all that mist..."  
  
"Anywayz," speaks up the petite blonde with perhaps the strangest   
hairdo in the entire city. Not everyone could sport a hairstyle that   
consisted of two round hairballs atop pig-tails and look GOOD while   
doing it. "I LIKE your roses!"  
  
The star of the adventure (Hey,it's called 'Sailor MOON' after all!   
Although,I would prefer 'The Adventures of Sailor Charon' myself....)   
[[The green haired Sailor approaches menacingly... "Okay, okay! Back to the   
story...and YES there IS a plot somewhere. Somewhere around here...I hope   
I didn't misplace it..."]] snuggles into her boyfriend's chest, reaches into   
his trademark dark green jacket, and pulls out a red rose. She smiles   
down at it until it begins to rapidly change colors...from red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to   
white to red to black to white to red to...   
  
[[The narrator keels over hypnotized]]  
  
"ACK!" Serena gapes at the rose. "Darien stop that! You're Tuxedo   
Mask, remember? TUXEDO MASK! The red rose...the RED rose!"  
  
Darien's eyes cloud over as various bits of random memory from the   
past, present, and future float through his mind.  
  
Suddenly he leaps to his feet, sending a squealing Serena sprawling.  
  
"I am PRINCE DARIEN!" the dark haired young man announces as the vision   
of an awesome black and blue suit of armor briefly flashes on him.  
  
"Uhh...Darien?" Serena questions.  
  
"Darien? What name is this? I know no Darien...."the man announces  
grandly.  
  
"What do you MEAN you don't know the name 'Darien'? You just CALLED   
yourself Prince DARIEN." Serena protests.  
  
"Hmm... oh yeah, how could I have forgotten that?"  
  
Serena hits herself on the head in exasperation..and nearly gives herself   
a concussion.  
  
"Come back to us, Muffin... As cool as you look in suit of armor--and   
you've ALWAYS looked cool in a suit of armor...even in the Moon  
Kingdom...come to think of it you look EXACTLY like you did in the Moon  
Kingdom--we still need Tuxedo Mask... RED rose! RED rose!"  
  
"Uhhh...yeah, Tuxedo Mask...I remember..." the one formerly known as   
Prince...Darien;) shakes his head and sheepishly looks at the others. His   
eyes widen as he notices the others standing around him holding various   
objects in their hands -Serena holding her Cutie Moon Rod....I mean Moon   
Scepter!, Lita holding a frying pan she found somewhere, Raye holding a   
broom, Mina holding a volleyball, and Amy holding up her Advanced   
Metaphysical Morphology Textbook- all of them looking as if they are   
about to bop him over the head.  
  
"Don't take it personally Darien...I much prefer hitting Chad over the head   
with a broom...but we had to be prepared in case the rose stopped on   
'black'." says Raye as she continues sweeping the grounds of the temple.  
  
Serena gives her best friend a strange look as she crawls back into   
Darien's lap. After all, the girl was sweeping the LAWN of the temple...  
  
"And you are....?" Darien teases his girlfriend.  
  
"NO!" the pig-tailed girl looks horrified." You didn't forget me AGAIN? I   
am Usagi! No wait...that's not right...Serenity! Oops...not anymore...or not   
quite yet, whatever way you look at it... Bunny?...Victoria?   
Darrien...nooo....Celeste....getting closer..."  
  
"Serena!" Darien looks worriedly at the girl in his lap.   
  
"Oh yeah... Serena! How could I forget? It's not as if I have that many   
names or anything..."  
  
"Anywayz, as I was saying..." Serena looks suspiciously at the rose. "I like   
your roses!"  
  
Darien smiles and cuddles Serena closer.  
  
"And Muffin...?" Serena continues.  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"It's wonderful how you manage to carry around all those roses without   
getting pricked!" Serena holds the the relievingly red rose up to the light   
where the wicked looking thorns gleam...errr...wickedly.  
  
Darien frowns.  
  
"Who said I can carry around a rose bush under my jacket without getting  
scratched?" he asks while pulling down the neck of his shirt in order to  
display the slashes and scrapes on his skin.  
  
"Ooh..." Serena's eyes grow large. "I didn't notice that last night...."  
  
Darien quickly claps a hand over his girlfriend's mouth. Sweat drops   
break out all over his head as the others stare at him and Serena.  
  
"Heh.. heh.. I heal really fast..."  
  
Mina shakes her head, her trademark red ribbon bobbing with the motion.  
  
"I swear one day the authorities are going to cart those two off ...either  
that or Serena's father will kill Darien..."  
  
"Oh lay off, Mina! Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean   
that everyone else has to suffer!" interrupts Lita as she straightens HER   
trademark pony-tail.  
  
"WHAT? You're the one who thinks that the paperboy likes you just   
because he rides past your house every day...!" Mina angrily retorts.  
  
"Why does this sound so familiar?" Serena whispers to Mamo---err   
Darien.  
  
"Ummm..." Darien is too busy looking around the temple grounds for child   
protection officials to answer.  
  
"Ahem..." a black cat pads into the center of the group and breaks up the   
impending fight. In another setting the gold crescent moon on the cat's   
forehead would have called attention to itself, but in this city such   
things as the occasional cat talking or laughing were considered normal.  
  
"Scouts," Luna the black cat announces "Oh, and you too Darien, the reason  
for THIS particular meeting is to discuss everyone's plans for moving   
away...."  
  
"MOVING AWAY???!" Serena shrieks hysterically and wraps her arms   
around Darien, unknowingly beginning to strangle him. "You're not going   
anywhere, Darien! We're going to live here forever and ever and start a   
vast empire named after this city...."  
  
Darien uselessly tries to pull away from Serena's embrace before he   
passes out.  
  
"I'm....not...going anywhere...Serena..." he chokes out.   
  
Serena gives a relieved sigh and loosens her death grip on her boyfriend.   
Darien gives an even more relieved sigh as he draws breath into his aching lungs.  
  
"I...seem to have developed...this fear of flying..." he wheezes out.  
  
"You won't leave me, really? You won't get hypnotized by mirrors and   
leave me behind?You won't move to another country on a scholarship? You   
won't die somewhere far off without my realizing it?" Serena stares doe-  
eyed up at it.  
  
"We've been together through two life times, haven't we? I'll stay by your   
side until the rivers run dry, until the world is covered in ice, until the   
moon falls out of the sky, until my hair turns purple or any other highly   
unlikely event takes place!" Darien declares dramatically.  
  
"That's great, Muffin," Serena says from the place where she has just   
recently tumbled. "But can you come down off the porch railing again?"  
  
"Oops...I should probably get out of that habit." Darien admits as he   
returns to the ground and pulls the poor misplaced Serena back into his   
lap.  
  
A white cat with an identical crescent moon mark to Luna's manages to   
stop laughing hysterically at the Sailors' antics in order to continue   
where Luna left off.  
  
"Even though a new enemy usually appears within weeks after the old   
enemy is defeated, everyone has agreed that THIS time things will be   
different. Apparently Amy has decided that now is the perfect time to   
take up that scholarship offer for Pre-med school in Germany, Mina wants   
to move back to England so that she can begin stalking..."suddenly a   
volleyball collides into Artemis, knocking him to the ground where he   
lies with swirly whirlpools in his eyes.  
  
Luna sighs and picks up where the other cat left off. "And Lita wants to   
join that ice skating tour in Japan...."  
  
"Hey, wait..." interrupts Raye as she gives up her attempt to sweep the   
lawn "I thought we WERE in Japan!"  
  
"Yeah!" Minako....eh...Mina agrees.  
  
"If we are in Japan, then why are we speaking ENGLISH?" Amy asks   
logically.  
  
All the people pause and ponder this apparent paradox while the narrator   
plays with the 'p' key.  
  
Suddenly there is a scream. [[ "Ha ha! I TOLD you there would be a plot in   
here somewhere!"]]  
  
Everyone leaps to their feet and looks around. Everyone that is, except   
for Artemis who, having recovered from being beamed with the volleyball,  
only looks mildly surprised that no one else was expecting something   
like this.  
  
"That New York accent...! That sounds like Molly!" Serena says worriedly.  
  
"AGAIN?" everyone else choruses as they fall over.  
  
"Well, C'mon...I suppose we have to save her..." Lita says   
unenthusiastically.  
  
"Do we HAVE to? Can't we just be rid of her once and for all and let the  
bad guys have her?" Raye pipes up.  
  
Everyone stares at Raye who stares back defiantly. This staring contest   
goes on for several minutes while further screams and crashing sounds   
are heard in the distance. Finally, Raye blushes and mutters.  
  
"I haven't liked Molly ever since that 'Catsy' showed up..."  
  
"Well, they DO both have rather annoying voices...but it's not as if there is   
someone behind the scenes doing the voices for both of them..." begins   
Mina as eerie music plays in the background.  
  
"We've wasted enough time! Minna! Henshin Yo!" Luna shouts, her English   
accent suddenly disappearing.  
  
"Nani?" Usagi and the others gape at Luna.  
  
"Agh! Wrong transformation! Transform into SAILOR SCOUTS!" Artemis   
interrupts as a HUGE sweat drop appears on his head.  
  
The group begins transforming in perfect sequence, since transforming   
out of proper sequence supposedly would rip a hole in the Time-Space   
Continuum. Why else do you think they would ALWAYS transform in the   
EXACT same order?  
  
"Mercury Star Power!"  
  
"Mars Star Power!"  
  
"Jupiter Planet Power!"  
  
"Eh? You're not an Outer Senshi...no Scout...no Senshi...whatever. Lita, it's  
'Jupiter Star Power'." says Artemis.  
  
Lita stands in front of the temple, hands on her hips, as Mina impatiently   
waits for her turn to transform.  
  
"Why? Why is it 'Star Power?' Jupiter is a PLANET not a star!" she argues.  
  
Artemis hangs his head.   
  
"You know that..and _I_ know that, Lita, but 'Star' is the popular term for   
this season. Next season it will be 'Heart' and then it will be 'Eternal'..."  
  
"And anyway, why can't I be an all-powerful Outer....Warrior too? I   
mean, Jupiter is pretty far out in the solar system! It's next to Saturn for  
moogle's{1} sake!"  
  
Sweat drops pop out on Luna's, Artemis', Sailor Mercury's, Sailor Mar's, and   
Mina's head at the mention of the 'm' word. Luckily Serena and Darien are   
too busy in a darkened corner of the temple's grounds to notice.  
  
"Lita!" Mina hisses.  
  
"Oh all right... Jupiter Star Power!"  
  
"Venus Star Power!"  
  
As soon as the group of adolescent boys who had gathered to gape at the   
Sailors' near naked transformation disperses, everyone marches over to   
the darkened corner to drag Serena and Darien apart.  
  
"All right, all right...break it up!" Artemis says.  
  
"Come on...transform Darien!" Luna bats a paw at the dark haired young   
man.  
  
Darien turns towards Luna with a goofy grin on his face. Luna claps a paw   
to her face when she notices the exact same goofy grin on Serena's face.  
  
"I'd love to Luna, I'm getting really tired of this same green jacket that I   
am somehow compelled to wear every day, but I can't transform until   
Serena becomes Sailor Moon." Darien says.  
  
"Oh yeah...so transform Serena!"says Luna.  
  
"Hai!...I mean, you bet!" Serena holds her transformation broach up to the   
sky. Everyone waits in anticipation..and waits and waits and waits and   
waits and waits and waits and waits and waits...well, you get the picture.  
  
"Umm...guys, I seem to have forgotten my transformation verse..." Serena   
mumbles as her face tries to rival the color of a tomato.  
  
"SERENA! You DITZ!" Sailor Mars shouts.  
  
"Raaaaaaaye....why are you so meeeeeeeeeeaaan to meeeeee?" Serena   
wails.  
  
Sailor Venus groans and claps a hand to her head.  
  
"I had hoped to avoid this just ONCE..." she sighs as Mars and Serena begin   
a battle of the tongues.  
  
"Pthpppppbbbbbbb"  
  
"Pthpppppbbbbbbb"  
  
"Moon Prism Power."  
  
"Huh?" Both Mars and Serena turn to stare at Sailor Jupiter.  
  
"I think Sailor Moon's transformation words are 'Moon Prism Power'"   
Jupiter repeats.  
  
Serena screws up her face in thought.  
  
"Noooo...I think those are my old transformation words."  
  
"Oh bloody wonderful..." Luna's English accent returns as the Scout's begin  
to debate over Sailor Moon's exact current transformation verse.  
  
"Moon Star Power!"   
  
"No WAY! You know Sailor Moon never has the same phrase as us!"  
  
"Crisis Make Up!"  
  
"I don't THINK so..."  
  
"Moon...something...something..."  
  
"Well, OF COURSE 'Moon' would be in the verse!"  
  
Serena turns towards her true love, hope brimming in her eyes.  
  
"YOU know my transformation words, right Muffin?  
  
"Ummm..." Darien, who still can not become Tuxedo Mask until Serena   
transforms, looks around wildly. "Eternal Moon Make-Up?"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the Sailors are thrown to the   
ground by the sonic waves generated by Serena's wail. "You don't know my  
own transformation words!"  
  
"Well, Serene, YOU don't know them either!" Darien shouts out as he   
tries maintain his balance on the quaking ground.  
  
"Oh yeah...." Serena sniffles and stops crying. The minor earthquakes   
slowly recede.  
  
"I seem to remember a 'Cosmic Moon Power'" Sailor Venus ventures   
hesitantly.  
  
"Cosmic Moon Pow....?" Serena begins.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Darien throws himself at Serena and once   
again claps his hand over her mouth.  
  
"That phrase activates the Ginzishou...the Imperium...the Empyrean...the   
Silver Crystal! We don't have time for you to die and come back to life!"   
Darien blurts out as he holds Serena closer.   
  
Secretly Darien fears that the karma he has built up with all the times   
he has been hypnotized will finally activate and erase Serena's memories   
of him during one of her 'die & return to life somehow' spells.  
  
"How about 'Moon Cosmic Power' then?" asks Serena.  
  
Suddenly Serena is engulfed in a blaze of light. She begins rapidly   
spinning inside a for-some-reason-even-though-she-is-Sailor-MOON  
heart shaped ring of power as she begins to transform. All goes well   
until the point in her transformation when her boots are supposed to   
appear. Apparently trying to defy gravity AND her natural predisposition   
towards klutziness, the transforming Serena thrusts her leg vertically   
into the air...and she comes crashing back down, detransforming in a flurry   
of pink ribbons.  
  
"OOF!"  
  
Everyone gasps and gazes in worry at the spot where the de-transformed  
Serena lays. Everyone, that is, except Darien who once again has that   
goofy look on his face.  
  
"The only thing better then watching a transformation is watching a  
de-transformation." he says to himself as he goes to help Serena to her  
feet.  
  
"I don't think that was the right transformation." Serena sniffles as her   
school uniform slowly fades back into view.  
  
"I don't think you're quite ready for THAT transformation, Serena." Luna   
says with the ever present sweat drop on her head.  
  
After a few more minutes of debate during which several nearby   
buildings collapse or mutate into dark, twisted towers that no one else   
notices, the phrase 'Moon Crystal Power' is agreed upon.  
  
"Moon Crystal Power!"  
  
As the applause dies down after Sailor Moon's and Tuxedo Mask's nearly   
simultaneous transformations, everyone races off, once again completely   
forgetting about 'Sailor Teleport'.  
  
~*~  
  
And I must stop at this point since my computer has suddenly arbitrarily decided that   
the entire file is too long to save as an .html. Ugh, apparently I named my computer   
well. (Daemon, for the curious.) Stay turned for the next chapter in a year or so! ;)  
  
  



	2. He played knick-knack on my shoe

A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y: Part 2  
  
Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of  
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.  
  
(*mumbles to self* Bloody possessed computers... now where were we? Ah yes,  
Rand al' Thor was to discover the identity of Asmodean's killer...)  
  
~*~  
  
Unfortunately, the enemy was further then the screams and collapsing   
buildings first indicated. After running for several minutes an out of   
breathe Sailor Moon puffs out.  
  
"Remember...next time...we...teleport..."  
  
"You're so out of shape, meatballhead! Why don't you lay up on all those   
donuts?" Sailor Mars shouts back as she easily breezes along.  
  
"Raaaaaaaaaye,whyyyyyy are you so meeeeeeeeeeaaaaan to meeeeeee......????"  
  
"No crying! Save your breath for running!" Tuxedo Mask advises from   
Sailor Moon's side.  
  
Suddenly Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus, and Sailor Jupiter skid to a halt in   
shock. Moon and Mercury plow into them, sending several of the Scouts   
sprawling.  
  
"Hey, Tuxie...what are you doing here? How can you appear at the perfect   
moment if you are here with us now?" the last Scout standing, Sailor   
Jupiter asks.  
  
"Mmm...I guess I'd better go." Tuxedo Mask concurs, and leaning down for   
one last kiss from Sailor Moon, he vanishes with a swirl of an ebony   
colored cloak.  
  
"Awww...why'd you send him away?" Sailor Moon whines as everyone tries   
to untangle their various limbs and rise from the ground.  
  
"He'll be back Meatballbrain, and then you can ooh and ahh all during his   
speech and drool over his cape...." says Sailor Mars as she brushes the dirt  
off her fuku...I mean very short skirt.  
  
"Raaaaaaaaye.....!!!!"  
  
"NO MORE!" Sailor Mercury shouts and grabs both Moon and Mars by their   
hair. She clunks their heads together a la Three Stooge's style then loops   
her arms through theirs and begins running.  
  
"Way to go Amy!" Venus congratulates as the Scouts once again are on   
their way.  
  
No one seems overly surprised to see the Sailor Scouts running through  
the streets... I suppose that it has become a common enough sight over   
the years. What is so special about sailor-suited magically powered alien   
beings from the past anyway?  
  
The Scouts arrive at the city's park --where ELSE could an attack   
possibly be held?-- to find a rather cute looking guy in a suit that   
resembles a cross between the male version of the sailor outfit and   
Prince Endymion's...err Prince DARIEN's armor. He is hovering several feet   
in the air, surrounded by craters, burnt and shriveled trees, the mandatory   
number of energy drained bodies, and of course Molly sprawled nearby.  
  
"He looks like my old boyfriend!" Jupiter sighs.  
  
Both Luna and Artemis develop sweatdrops. We do like our sweat drops,   
don't we?  
  
"Hey, the villains are getting handsome again! We haven't had a cutie since  
Dimando...oops I mean Daemon...Demand?...Diamond? What's his name   
again? He had that thing for Sailor Moon..." says Venus.  
  
"WHICH villain with a crush on Sailor Moon? You'd think that funky   
hairstyle would turn them off, but noooo...." replies Sailor Mars.   
  
"Raaaaaaaye!!!!"  
  
"MEATBALLBRAIN! Don't shout out my REAL name in front of the bad   
guy!"Raye shouts.  
  
"Huh? We do that ALL the time! The baddies are always too stupid to try   
and track down our alter egos that way..." Sailor Moon says defensively.   
"It's not as if we are wearing masks or anything to hide our real identities..."  
  
"If you are quite done," the villain of the season interrupts. He crosses   
his arms and taps his foot impatiently as he regards the Sailor Scouts.  
  
"Do you know how LONG I have been WAITING for you to show up? It takes  
energy to level buildings and crisp trees, you know!"  
  
"Sorry, we had some personal problems to resolve." Mercury apologizes.  
  
"Don't apologize to the Nega-sleaze, Amy!" Sailor Jupiter frowns at her  
companion.  
  
"Err...sorry, Jupiter, but please refrain from using my name in the enemy's   
hearing, bad tracking record or not." Ami replies.  
  
"Anyway," Mars continues her rant. "EVERYONE knows that I am the   
prettiest of the Original Sailors! All the Internet polls prove it! So why   
aren't the bad guys falling over themselves to capture ME?"  
  
"Well, Jedite liked you but you crisped him..."says Sailor Venus.  
  
"That never happened in the anime! Why couldn't we follow the manga   
where everyone thought I was astoundingly beautiful?" Mars pouts.  
  
"Can we discuss this later, guys?" Amy asks.  
  
"No! I want to know why everyone is so obsessed with Meatballhead over  
here just because she USED to be the Moon Princess!" Mars demands hotly.  
  
"It's not because I'm the Moon Princess and the Neo Queen--okay, maybe   
for Darien and Dimando it is-- it's because I have a PURE and INNOCENT   
soul, unlike someonewhoshallremainunnamedbutisapyromaniac...." defends   
Sailor Moon.  
  
"Come on guys!" Ami pleads.  
  
"Oh yeah????"  
  
"YEAH!!!!"  
  
"We have to fight the enemy not each other!" Amy tries to desperately   
mediate.  
  
Suddenly everyone turns towards Sailor Mercury and shouts "STOP   
SHIFTING BETWEEN YOUR NAMES!!!"  
  
Mercury is taken aback for a moment and then she suddenly smiles.  
  
"Well, at least we are all working together again!"  
  
"Excuse me," the hovering figure of evil and darkness politely interrupts.   
"But we are breaking Fighting Etiquette here. You are supposed to   
introduce yourselves, I then introduce myself and threaten to destroy   
you/the world/the universe, and then we attack each other, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah!" Sailor Moon instantly takes up her fighting stance and the   
other Sailors line up behind her while Luna and Artemis, who are   
completely useless during a battle and have no real reason for attending,   
run for cover.  
  
"I am Sailor Moon, the Champion of Love and Justice! And on behalf of the   
Moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! And that means YOU!"  
  
"And we, the Sailor Scouts, will punish you! Scouts Honor!" the others   
chorus.  
  
The yet-to-be-introduced villain blinks.  
  
"Quite incredible. Do you know that half of the time you were speaking   
your mouths weren't moving?" he asks.  
  
Sailor Moon and the other scouts begin to blush.  
  
"It's all DIC's fault...I mean, we're ventriloquists! Yeah, that's it..." Sailor   
Moon mutters not too intelligently.  
  
"Well, I am Kunzite, the lost General for Queen Beryl! Despite different   
storylines and huge plot holes all of the villains somehow end up being   
in league with the Nega-Verse! DIIIIIIIEEEE!" the now-named Kunzite ends   
his speech with a roar and proceeds to hurl dark-powered jelly beans at   
the Scouts.  
  
The Scouts leap back with suitable expressions of horror and anger on   
their faces as the jelly beans explode around them. Venus shakes her   
head ruefully.  
  
"Have you noticed that the attacks, while getting more powerful, have   
gotten a whole lot sillier?" she asks.  
  
"Have I ever." Jupiter replies as she dodges the dreaded Snickers© Storm.   
"At least he's better then that fruit monster, Droid Avacada! And   
jellybeans remind me of my old boyfriend..."  
  
The scouts groan, and not because Kunzite was throwing dark energy at   
them either.  
  
"Come on Scouts! Luna and Artemis trained us well! We can defeat this   
villain of the season!" Sailor Moon encourages.  
  
"Actually, come to think of it...how exactly DID Luna and Artemis train   
us?" Jupiter asks.  
  
The Scouts frown at each other as Kunzite rolls his eyes.  
  
"I am sure that they must have taught us SOMETHING..." says Mercury   
hesitantly.  
  
"Sure we did!" Artemis calls out. "We uhhhh...gave you all those snazzy   
transformation wands and communicators..."  
  
"I'm not sure that counts as 'training'." Mars replies.  
  
"We did sorta learn our attacks on our own...and I don't remember any   
physical training sessions..." Sailor Moon admits.  
  
"Serena, with YOUR memory..." Luna warns.  
  
"Yoohoo©, we're in the middle of a battle here." Kunzite reminds the   
Scouts. "Let's start again, shall we?"  
  
The Scouts nod their agreement.  
  
"We can discuss this later." Sailor Moon tells the others.  
  
"On the count of three...one...two...three..." Kunzite says.  
  
As Kunzite hurls another handful of deadly jellies at the Scouts; Mercury  
reacts instantly.  
  
"Mercury Bubbles Blast!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" several people yell at once as the surrounding  
area is blanketed in a dense cloud of fog.  
  
"Oh great..." mutters a voice in annoyance.  
  
Scouts, cats, and evil villains stumble around helplessly in the murk.  
  
Disembodied voices float out of the fog.  
  
"OUCH! Someone just stepped on my foot!" Jupiter yells.  
  
"Ooh...I think I just tripped over one of the drained bodies!" the   
faraway sound of Venus' voice is heard.  
  
"OW! OW! OW! WHO is pulling my hair???" Mars demands.  
  
"MREOOOOOOOW!"  
  
"Oh, sorry Luna!"  
  
"I'm sorry guys!" Mercury apologizes from somewhere unseen. "I forgot   
that only I can see in the Bubbles Blast with my VR visor... try to   
stay still and I'll come for you..."  
  
"MROOOOOOOW!"  
  
"Ooh...sorry again, Luna!"  
  
"HELP! I've fallen into one of the craters and I can't get UP!"  
  
"I just walked into a tree! It sorta reminds me of my old boyfriend..."  
  
"Oof..."  
  
"Okay, who just knocked me over?" an angry Mars can be heard.  
  
"That's my FOOT again!" Jupiter roars.  
  
"Please, guys, stay still!"  
  
"I'm going to need some help here..." Sailor Venus calls out.  
  
"OUCH!"  
  
"ARGHHHH!"  
  
"Ooh...is that you Darien? Have you been working out?"  
  
"Umm...no, I'm not Darien...I can pretend to be him though." Kunzite finally   
speaks.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
[[The narrator keels over laughing. WHOOMP! "Ahem..as I was saying....]]  
  
Finally the mist lifts away from the ground, leaving everyone exposed in   
their compromising positions. Sailor Venus is sprawled inside a large   
burnt crater, Sailor Jupiter is entangled in a nearby tree, Luna hangs  
upside down from a dangling bough, Mercury is sheepishly typing at her   
mini-computer, and Sailor Moon runs screaming away from Kunzite. We   
find the reason why Artemis has been silent for the entire ordeal...   
apparently he had been tread into unconsciousness by the unwary   
heel of Sailor Mars, who is currently trying to scrape him off of her shoe   
sole.  
  
After a half hour 'time out' agreed upon by both parties, Kunzite begins   
again.  
  
"I will kill you and parade around with your decapitated heads as a   
necklace for the honor of Queen Beryl!" Kunzite yells.  
  
"Ewwww..." says Sailor Venus eloquently.  
  
"Hey, tone that down! This is supposed to be G-rated!" Mars protests.  
  
"Ooops..."  
  
"Hey!" finally something that Kunzite had said sinks into Sailor Moon's   
mind." What do you MEAN 'for the honor of Queen Beryl?". I moondusted   
her way back in the first season!"  
  
"Nyu-uhhhh.... You only 'sent (her) back to the Nega-verse'!" Kunzite pauses   
in the middle of wrestling with Jupiter to respond to Sailor Moon."   
Remember what happened in 'Day of Destiny'? NO ONE died! Everyone  
was just sent to the Nega-verse..."  
  
For the first time everyone begins to realize how much Kunzite   
resembles the thought-to-be-dead Malachite...  
  
"That's way harsh..." Venus says.  
  
Everyone turns to stare at her.  
  
"Hey, I had to say that at least ONCE today!" she defends.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sailor Moon throws a temper tantrum   
and begins to viciously kick at random tufts of grass." I killed her, I did!"  
  
Sailor Mars, remembering that she IS Sailor Moon's best friend, puts an   
arm around her shoulder in comfort.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sailor Moon...it's DI..."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now you've made me angry Nega-sleaze!" Sailor Moon   
shrugs off Mar's arm.  
  
"MOON TIARA MAGIC!!!!"  
  
The blinding oval of light zooms in a deadly arc towards Kunzite... and   
then stops dead halfway, falling harmlessly to the ground and returning to  
it's normal tiara mode.  
  
"WHAT?" Sailor Moon stares at her tiara lying in the crisped grass.  
  
"You have to WANT to be Sailor Moon for your tiara to work!" Luna   
encourages from her safe vantage point several yards away.  
  
"What do you MEAN? That's stupid! I WANT to be Sailor Moon! I WANT to   
moondust this creep..." Sailor Moon stalks over to her tiara and kicks it.  
  
"I don't think that you can do anything Sailor Moon. Why don't you try your   
Moon Scepter on him?" Mercury says.  
  
Sailor Moon's eyes light up as the tiara magically reappears on her   
forehead.  
  
"I have an idea.... MOON TIARA VAPORIZE!!!"  
  
The glowing tiara explodes towards Kunzite who just barely manages to   
avoid it. Clutching at his sliced clothes, Kunzite glares at Sailor Moon.  
  
"You can't do that! That's not one of your powers!" he protests.  
  
"Oh yeah! Well,I DID use this attack in the episode 'So You Want to Be a   
Superstar?" So HA!" Sailor Moon dances about gleefully.  
  
Sailor Moon turns to directly address the audience for the first and last  
time.  
  
"Who says I am air headed? I may not like studying but I do have BRAINS!   
So remember that kids, you don't have to be the smartest kid in your class   
to make something of yourself in the world!"  
  
[[Narrators Note: "It's a 'Sailor Moon Says' moment! AHHHHHHHH!" Charon  
runs screaming. Scenes edited out because they were too interesting to   
include flash in the background.]]  
  
"No, you can be a total ditz and end up Queen of the World..." Mars mutters   
under her breath.  
  
"What?" Sailor Moon spins towards Raye.  
  
"Wonderful," Sailor Mars raises her voice. "Our own personal 'Sailor Moon   
Says' session. Now all we need is for you to do that idiotic 'Tee hee hee   
hee' laugh and everything will be complete!"  
  
Sailor Mars throws her gloved hands into the air.  
  
"Well, if that's the way it's going to be.... MARS FIRESTORM FLASH!"  
  
Kunzite dodges away from the plume of fire.  
  
"NO FAIR!"  
  
"Ha ha!" Mars points regally towards the scorched Kunzite."That comes   
from 'Gramps in a Pickle'!"  
  
"Guys," Mercury interjects worriedly," those are DiC plot holes! By using   
them you risk the chance of completely unraveling the storyline! We don't   
know WHAT might happen!"  
  
Jupiter shrugs.  
  
"Who cares? As long as it zaps the baddie! From 'Jupiter Comes   
Thundering In'....JUPITER SUPREME THUNDER CRASH!!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kunzite flings himself to the ground. While on the   
ground he manages to grab hold of a leaf which he uses to deflect away   
the lightning --for, of course, everyone knows that leaves are more   
powerful than lightning.  
  
Angrily Kunzite raises his head to glare at the Scouts.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, if you are going to play rough.... take THIS! ZOY!"  
  
Cherry petals spiral inexorably towards the Scouts. As they contact the   
Sailor's clothes or skins they explode flinging the Scouts several feet   
through the air.  
  
"You can't do that! You aren't Zoycite!" Sailor Venus protests as she rises   
from where she has fallen. "She...he...it... will sue for copyright   
infringement! "  
  
"Oh yeah? I can constantly whine about my face while you try to kill me!   
How do you know I'm not Zoycite reincarnated?" Kunzite taunts.  
  
The Scouts exchange looks.  
  
"Ooh...he said the forbidden 'R' word..."  
  
Silence descends upon the park as the day suddenly darkens. The mighty   
power of DIC rears its ugly head.  
  
"I'm sorry!" Kunzite says penitently."I'll play by the rules from now on! No   
more mentioning of the 'R' word! We all...just ahhh...died and our spirits   
came back in new bodies... new bodies that somehow look exactly like our   
old bodies..."  
  
With the omniscient power of DIC appeased, the day slowly returns to   
normal. Or what passes for normal in this city, which means pretty much   
anything goes.  
  
Everyone releases a pent up sigh.  
  
"Whew... that was close. I was afraid we were going to be canceled... now   
where was I?" says a visibly shaken Kunzite.  
  
"I believe you were about to attack us." replies Sailor V helpfully.  
  
"That's Sailor VENUS!" everyone shouts at once, fearing the appearance of   
another plot hole.  
  
[[ Narrator's note: Oops...sorry!]]  
  
"Apology accepted...soooo...I have to do something acceptable..." Kunzite   
scratches his chin. "Ah ha!"  
  
Kunzite spins about, flinging jelly beans into the air.  
  
"Foo Foo Baddies! Come forth!"  
  
The jellybeans begin to pulse with dark energy, slowly morphing into a   
less innocuous shape. The Scouts, however, are tittering and giggling.  
  
"Ummm...excuse me, did you say FOO FOO Baddies?" Sailor Mars asks as   
she muffles a laugh with her hand.  
  
"Yeah, I said FOO FOO BADDIES. If the evil faeries from the Sailor Moon SS  
movie can have Bon Bon Baddies then I can have Foo Foo Baddies!" retorts   
Kunzite.  
  
"Sure you can..." Sailor Jupiter tries to appease Kunzite. "If for some   
reason you WANT them..." she continues quietly to the other scouts.  
  
The scouts continue to laugh while the Foo Foo Baddies transform into   
slender gelatinous monsters with sharpened claws as appendages.  
  
"Uhhh... Scouts... I'd stop laughing now." a heavily bandaged Artemis warns.  
  
The scouts look towards the now mutated Foo Foo Baddies.  
  
"ú¨¶¹®¬¹Å¶!!!" Sailor Jupiter says.  
  
"º¢£çû!" Sailor Venus agrees.   
  
"But they DO kinda remind me of my old boyfriend..." Jupiter continues.  
  
The Foo Foo Baddies are of that annoying variety of villain that the anime  
is rather fond of. While separately the Foo Foo's posed only a minor   
irritation, in a mass they were quite dangerous...and Kunzite was flinging   
more and more Foo Foo's throughout the air.  
  
"It's time to get to work, Scouts!" Sailor Venus announces.  
  
Half an hour later as the Sailor Scouts continue with their life and death   
struggle with the Foo Foo's --and believe me it WAS Life and Death! Who   
could live on knowing they were defeated by a FOO FOO?-- Sailor Venus'   
notices that Sailor Moon is missing. Fearing the worst, Venus runs   
through the chaos, prepared to die for the safety of her Princess and   
future Queen. She finds Sailor Moon morosely sitting on a grassy knoll.  
  
"Sailor Moon! What's wrong???" Venus asks anxiously.  
  
Sailor Moon sighs and glumly runs her gloved hands through the grass.  
  
"I'm lonely... I miss my Mamo... errr Darien." she says.  
  
Sailor Venus stares at her leader.  
  
"Well...." Venus balls her fists and swallows slowly "You. know. Tuxedo.   
Mask. will. only. come. when. you. are. in. danger."  
  
"That's right!" With a bright grin Sailor Moon flings herself at Kunzite.  
  
"Sailor Moon!" Venus shouts after her. Venus, like all others, is somehow   
compelled to use the full title 'Sailor Moon' in reference to the leader of   
the Sailor Scouts while, on the other hand, all the other Scouts are often   
simply called by their planet's names.  
  
Sailor Moon pulls out her Moon Scepter from.... well, she pulls it out from   
no where... and begins duking it out with Kunzite. After a few minutes of   
the one-on-one fight Kunzite is about to hit Sailor Moon over the head   
with the over-sized candy cane he had been using as a sword when a laser  
flash of red shatters the candy in the villain's hands. As mandated   
everyone looks up in awe at the cloaked figure who is perched in a nearby   
high tree branch. Hero music plays in the background as the wind   
impressively whips through the figure's cape and hair.  
  
"I am Tuxedo Kamen...."  
  
"You are Tuxedo Caiman??? Are you related to a crocodile or something?"  
Kunzite jeers.  
  
"That's Tuxedo KAMEN! KAMEN! KAMEN! Not CAIMAN!" Darien finally sees   
all the Scouts desperately shaking their heads. "Oops... no, I mean I am   
Tuxedo MASK!"  
  
Tuxedo Mask gracefully poses on the tree limb, easily maintaining his   
balance.  
  
"As I said, I am Tuxedo Mask! And I will not forgive you for keeping me   
waiting so long to save my beloved! I will...... KRAAAAAAAA----  
AHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Suddenly there is a loud cracking sound as the limb on which Tuxedo Mask   
was standing breaks and sends him plummeting to the ground in a flurry   
of cape, hat, and coat-tails.  
  
Everyone gasps in astonishment except for Kunzite who smiles wickedly   
and pulls out an oversized saw.  
  
"I do my homework! It took me DAYS to cut every branch in a three-mile   
radius in half, but it was worth it...."  
  
"YOU!!!!!" and enraged Sailor Moon bellows. She beats Kunzite upside the   
head with her Moon Scepter until he is nearly unconscious before she   
runs towards her fallen love's side.  
  
"Oh, poor baby!" Sailor Moon croons as she pulls a de-masked Tuxedo   
Mask's head into her lap.  
  
"Ooh...didja see what asteroid hit me?" Tuxedo Mask mutters as stars   
swirl in his eyes.  
  
"This is NOT good..." Sailor Jupiter says as she and the other Scouts run   
towards Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask.  
  
Kunzite groggily weaves to his feet. He empties his pockets of jelly   
beans before collapsing to the ground.  
  
"Bon Bon...I mean Foo Foo Baddies...GET THEM!" he shouts from his prone   
position.  
  
The future looks dim for the Sailor Scouts when suddenly... [[" Don't you   
LOVE those 'when suddenlys' (^_~)'']]  
  
~*~  
  
And what an evil place to stop the story, ne? You'll have to wait an entire 2 seconds until you click on the next portion. *stabs computer*  
  



	3. He played knick-knack on my knee

A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y: Part 3  
  
Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of  
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.  
  
(In our last episode we left Michael Knight trapped inside a water tower rapidly   
filling with H20 while KITT was stranded in the middle of the Mohave desert...)  
  
~*~  
  
"'de-taq'.... I mean,'death scream'" says a familiar looking green haired   
woman.  
  
A ball of purple energy coalesces and knocks the encroaching Foo Foo's   
away from the Inner...Scouts? Senshi?  
  
"Hey! Not that I'm complaining about saving our lives, but you can't be   
here! This is the ENGLISH version of Sailor Moon!" Sailor Jupiter pipes up.  
  
"Not anymore," responds the short haired Sailor Uranus. "There have been   
so many plot holes here that we easily slipped in! Anyway, it's not as if   
people don't mix and match the versions all the time!"  
  
"Besides,"added the turquoise haired Sailor Neptune "the Japanese   
version was ALWAYS part of this story! In the very first paragraph   
Charon mentions 'Heart Crystals' 'Star Seed' and 'Dream Mirrors' which all   
belong in the Japanese version! DIC never reached any of those things!"  
  
[[Narrators Note: "OOOOPS!!!!" Sailor Pluto chases Sailor Charon around the   
grounds...   
"Hey, wait a minute! How can you be HERE with me when you are   
also IN the story itself?"   
"I am the Guardian of Time and Space...I can be ANYWHERE at ANYTIME!" the   
long green-haired senshi replies. *WHACK!*]]  
  
Kunzite cocks open an eye from the place where he is lying on the ground.  
  
"Oh great...the Outer Scouts." he mutters.  
  
"We are NOT 'Scouts'" Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto shout in unison. " We are   
the Outer SENSHI!"  
  
"Except.." Uranus smirks. "Now that Pluto has appeared in those '17 New  
Episodes' maybe _she_ is a Scout..."  
  
The Guardian of Time's face darkens as she menacingly approaches the   
platinum blonde Sailor, her Time Staff held at the ready.  
  
"Eh heh..." Uranus begins backing away warily as a bored Neptune begins   
painting her fingernails. (After having removed her gloves ofcourse. (^_~)  
  
"And that was NOT our official introduction....So....." Uranus strikes a pose.   
"I am the Senshi of the Sky! And one day I shall decide if I want to be a   
male or a female! I am the uhhh...the waffling Sailor Uranus!"  
  
Sailor Neptune places her finger to her lips in her trademark move.  
  
"I am the Senshi of the Seas... and Uranus is MINE! I am a genius, an   
artist, and a musician...I am the perfect Sailor Neptune!"  
  
Sailor Pluto elegantly poses with her Time Staff. [[ cringe]]  
  
"I am the Senshi of Time. I am destined to always guard the Gate of Time   
except in cases of great emergency, even though I know everything about   
the Past, Present, and Future and could technically leave the Time Gate   
whenever I want, returning only when I know it is in danger. However, I   
follow the duty which has been set for me by an unknown entity at an   
unknown time and place. I am the confusing Sailor Pluto!"  
  
Sweat drops break out on everyones' head after Pluto's speech.  
  
"You know, I always wondered about that." Venus says softly.  
  
"And we are the Outer Senshi!" Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto chorus.  
  
"Yes, I heard you the FIRST time." Kunzite pulls himself to his feet.   
  
An evil smirk spreads across Kunzite's face.  
  
"Hey, aren't those some child protection officials over there?" he asks   
innocently as he waves a hand at a nearby copse of trees.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?"  
  
Tuxedo Mask bolts upright in horror as Sailor Neptune grabs Sailor Uranus for support.  
  
"NOOOO!!! You can't have Hotaru back! She belongs with us, NOT with that   
psycho father of hers Professor Tomoe..." Neptune cries out.  
  
Several members of the Sailor Team are in quite a panic --for various   
unrelated reasons-- until they finally notice that the park is empty except   
for themselves, Kunzite, a few hundred Foo Foo Baddies, Molly, a few   
drained bodies, and the regular flow of passersby who notice nothing out   
of the ordinary.  
  
Tuxedo Mask collapses back into Sailor Moon's lap in relief.  
  
"HEY!" Uranus shouts. "You can't trick us like that! For we are..."  
  
"The Outer Senshi... Yes, you HAVE mentioned it once or twice." Kunzite   
interrupts.  
  
He turns towards the others who are huddled around Sailor Moon and   
Tuxedo Mask. "I suppose that you are 'Senshi' now too?"  
  
Kunzite's question opens up a heated debate to the exact team name of   
the female warriors.  
  
"We're SENSHI!"announces Uranus.  
  
"No, but WE are SCOUTS!" argues Mars  
  
"That's ridiculous, how can you be SCOUTS and we be SENSHI?" asks   
Neptune.  
  
Kunzite taps his fingers and whistles a show tune.  
  
Sailor Moon pulls her attention away from the hurt Tuxedo Mask long   
enough to comment "Neptune is right. We can't break up the team.   
Whatever name we go by, EVERYONE has to use."  
  
"Well, we WERE originally 'Senshi'" ventures Sailor Venus.  
  
"But we're using our ENGLISH names now! And quite frankly I prefer 'Lita'   
to 'Makoto'!" replies Jupiter.  
  
"We can go as 'Senshi/Scout." Neptune suggests.  
  
[["NOOOOOOO!" the narrator shrieks. Too many letters!]]  
  
"Why don't we just say we are 'Soldiers' and call it even? After all   
'Senshi' does translate to 'Soldier'" Mercury says hopefully.  
  
"NO!" everyone else shouts.  
  
"At least we all agree on that." Mercury says wryly.  
  
Finally after fifteen minutes or so, they decide that 'Sailors' was a safe   
name to call everybody.   
  
"So....SAILORS! I will destroy you ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"   
Kunzite laughs evilly. He suddenly cuts off and turns towards Sailor Venus.  
  
"Was that good?"  
  
"Very good, Kunzie... I'm sure we will have to kill you now in order to   
protect the world from your menace." Venus encourages.  
  
"Wait a minute... what about our names? Are we going by the NA version  
or the original?" Mars asks.  
  
Kunzite sighs and goes back to whistling that show tune.  
  
"We should go by the original names of course!" Uranus proclaims.  
  
"I dunno... I've gotten used to being called 'Serena' " Sailor Moon objects.  
  
"Well, there is NO WAY that I am going to be called 'Corrine'!" Uranus   
exclaims.  
  
Pluto flinches.  
  
"How in the rings of Saturn did they come up with THOSE names for us   
anyway?" she murmurs.  
  
"Well, I don't want to go by 'Makoto' !" Jupiter says staunchly.  
  
"And I don't like the name 'Mamoru' at all..." Tuxedo Mask adds.  
  
Sailor Moon looks at him, her eyes beginning to brim. (and not with hope  
this time either!)  
  
"But I DO like being called 'Mamo-chan' " Tuxie adds quickly.  
  
Sailor Moon smiles happily.  
  
"Why don't we just keep the names we started with?" Venus asks.  
  
"Mix the North American and Japanese names? That drives people crazy!"  
Neptune exclaims.  
  
Venus shrugs and flicks her long blonde hair behind an ear.  
  
"It doesn't really matter to me... Mina and Minako are close enough. But, as   
you said Michiru-san, people are ALWAYS mixing up the names or renaming  
characters. What is one more?" Venus concludes.  
  
"Yeah, putz to the reader... I LIKE being Lita!" Jupiter says.  
  
After deciding upon their names, the fight continues on, with both Kunzite   
and Tuxedo Mask having sufficient time to recover during the debate.  
  
Well, the fight continued on for SOME people...  
  
"HEY!" Jupiter yells. "The lovebirds are still smooching under the tree!"  
  
"You two make me SICK!" Mars yells at the two embracing figures.  
  
"Oh come ON!" says Venus as she tries to pull Sailor Moon and Tuxedo   
Mask apart."There's time for THAT later !" Finally in disgust Venus hits   
Tuxedo Mask in the back with the flat of her sword... Oops! Wrong Sailor   
Venus! [[The Sailor Moon manga does rock though!]]  
  
Tuxedo Mask finally pulls back with a sigh and throws some magical   
roses into the fray.  
  
"Go get'em Muffin!" Sailor Moon shouts encouragement.  
  
"Hmmm....this fight has been going on for too long. Usually battles only   
last for half an hour or so. Being the star heroine who always has to be   
the one to destroy the bad guy, maybe I should try to use the Empyrean...   
Imperium...Silver Crystal!" Sailor Moon thinks aloud. Either that  
or she was using her ventriloquist trick again.  
  
Sailor Moon removes her locket and flips open the lid. The softly   
gleaming crystal-with-many-names is revealed. Sailor Moon smiles,   
beginning to format a suitable activation phrase for what she has decided   
to safely call 'the Silver Crystal', when it begins to pulse with power of   
it's own accord.  
  
"Wha---?" Sailor Moon stares at the crystal at it begins to rapidly   
change shapes, from a sphere to a rose to a heart to a starburst to a star...  
It even mutates into a garish pink color..."  
  
"What is going on?"  
  
Suddenly a hand shuts the lid to the the Transformation Broach,   
effectively sealing off the crystal.  
  
"Let's just leave the Silver Crystal where it is, shall we?" says Tuxedo   
Mask who is currently sporting a dozen or so sweat drops on his head.  
  
"I guess..." Sailor Moon replaces the broach locket which somehow   
magically magnetically clings to her chest. "Now what? I HAVE to save  
everybody! It's part of my contract!"  
  
"Well... you do still have the Cutie Moon... Scepter." says Tuxedo Mask.   
  
'That should be safe enough. She hasn't died using that...yet' he thinks   
silently to himself.  
  
"Right!" Sailor Moon shouts brainlessly.  
  
The Moon Scepter had conveniently disappeared when Sailor Moon was no   
longer using it --ie after she beat Kunzite senseless with it-- so, once   
again, Sailor Moon whips out the weapon from no where.  
  
"MOON PRINCESS..."  
  
"Wrong attack!" Tuxedo Mask shouts helpfully.  
  
"Oh yeah.... MOON SCEPTER ELIMI-TAVATION!"  
  
Several sweat drops pop out on the creatures nearby, including Kunzite   
who is not looking particularly frightened at the moment.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"MOON SCEPTER...ummmm..."  
  
Luna buries her face in her paws as Artemis tries to comfort her.  
  
"Oh please, don't have her forget the words to her attack too..." the black   
cat feels a headache coming on.  
  
"Uh...guys, do you remember the words to my attack?"  
  
Oh yes, the headache is there.  
  
Kunzite sighs and begins whistling a new show tune as the Foo Foos and   
Sailors stop fighting in order to lend their help to Sailor Moon.  
  
"That show tune... it reminds me..."begins Sailor Jupiter.  
  
Sailor Mercury approaches menacingly, her compact computer held over   
her head.  
  
"Eh... never mind."says Jupiter.  
  
"It's 'Moon Princess Halation'" says Uranus.  
  
"No... she can't use her Japanese attack!" argues Mars.  
  
"Why not? WE'RE using our Japanese attacks!" replies Uranus.  
  
"That's because you never HAD an English attack!" responds Mars.  
  
"Oh yeah..."  
  
"It's 'Moon Scepter Elimination'" suggests Sailor Venus.  
  
"I thought it was 'Illumination'!" negates a Foo Foo Baddie.  
  
"No, it's ELIMINATION." argues Venus.  
  
"I swear I heard ILLUMINATION" says the Foo Foo.  
  
"You don't even have EARS!" Venus points out.  
  
"You're right..."the Foo Foo finally agrees.  
  
"Wait a minute..." Sailor Jupiter joins the group." I could swear that I   
heard a 'Moon Scepter Activation' attack."  
  
"WHAT? That's her OLD attack 'Moon Healing Activation'! She doesn't do   
that anymore!"  
  
"I have to agree with Jupiter, I too have heard 'Moon Scepter Activation'."   
Mercury enters the conversation."Of course, I'm not exactly sure about my   
own attack either. Is it 'Mercury Ice Storm Blast' or 'Shine Aqua Illusion'?'  
  
"No... it's ELIMINATION!" Venus says stoutly ignoring Mercury.  
  
"Are you INSANE, Venus?" Jupiter retorts.  
  
"Heeeey! Whyyyyyy does everyoooooone call me insaaaaaaaaane?" Venus   
begins to wail. "Aaaaaall the faaanfiiics depiiiiict me as insaaaaane. It's   
not faaaaaaair!"  
  
"Oh no! A Usagi... I mean a Serena impersonation! We are all doomed!"   
Neptune murmurs in the background.  
  
"I'm with Venus." Mars quickly cuts in and adds her two cents.  
  
"ELIMINATION!"  
  
"ACTIVATION!"  
  
"ELIMINATION!"  
  
"ACTIVATION!"  
  
"ELIMINATION!"  
  
"ACTIVATION!"  
  
"ELIMINATION!"  
  
"ILLUMINATION!"  
  
"ACTIVATION!"  
  
The two groups of Inner Senshi glare at each other, thunderclouds and   
laser beams emanating from their eyes. The Outers look on with   
interest... after all, they had NEVER heard of this particular attack of   
Sailor Moon's."  
  
"I think," Luna intervenes "that Sailor Moon can somehow use BOTH of   
those words in her attack. But NOT," Luna glares at the sheepish Sailor   
Moon "at the SAME time."  
  
Kunzite taps his foot. "Anytime now..."  
  
"Okay, here we go...." Sailor Moon lifts the Moon Scepter " MOON SCEPTER....."  
  
Suddenly with a POP the Moon Scepter disappears. From the look of   
amazement on Sailor Moon's face as she gazed at her now empty   
hands, this was NOT in the script.  
  
"What HAPPENED!" she wails.  
  
Luna opens her mouth but Artemis interjects.  
  
"I was afraid something like this would happen. Sailor Moon, you are   
destined to gain and LOSE weapons at a phenomenal rate. It can't be   
helped at all. Remember, we never DID find out what happened to the Moon   
Wand." he says.  
  
"You mean it's GONE?" Sailor Moon says in disbelief.  
  
"I'm afraid so."  
  
Sailor Moon stamps her foot.  
  
"Next thing you'll tell me is that I will later completely lose my tiara..."   
she whines on the verge of tears.  
  
"Actually..." Artemis says hesitantly.  
  
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sailor Moon begins to impersonate a waterfall   
with her tears.  
  
While Tuxedo Masks goes to 'comfort' Sailor Moon, the Foo Foo Baddies   
and Sailors turn away in disgust and resume fighting.  
  
"Eoeorthuaaaadaaa Shaking!"  
  
Pieces of Foo Foo Baddies splatter all over the park.  
  
"What the HECK was that?" asks Tuxedo Mask as he breaks away from   
Sailor Moon for a moment.   
  
Tuxedo (De)Mask is about to remove his mask in order to see better when  
he realizes that he had already lost his mask during his fall from the   
tree. At least he had also lost that ridiculous top hat... he was always half  
afraid that a little rabbit would pop out of it or something.  
  
"That was Uranus," the nearby Sailor Neptune smiles "She has trouble   
pronouncing 'World' in her attack 'World Shaking'."  
  
"Does she ever..."Tuxedo Mask comments dryly."Why does the Senshi of the   
Sky have 'World Shaking' as her attack anyway? Shouldn't it be 'Sky   
Shaking' or something?"  
  
"You're right...." Neptune agrees with Tuxie. "Uranus, darling, try 'Sky   
Shaking' instead!" the teal clad Sailor calls out.  
  
"SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Shaking!"  
  
Neptune nods her approval."That works ever so much better!"  
  
Despite the arrival of the powerful Outer Sailors with their Foo Foo   
splattering attacks, the Foo Foo Baddies continue to attack in ever   
growing numbers. That was when AmY noticed it.  
  
"Sailors! When our individual powers destroy the structural integrity   
of the gelatinous creatures, the remaining residue multiplies and   
reforms into the original entity!" Mercury shouts in warning.  
  
"Huh?" the battle halts as everyone turns to stare at the blue-haired Sailor.  
  
"Does she always speak that way?" Kunzite asks Venus in a stage whisper.  
  
"More often then not." Venus sighs. "She's a regular Windwhistler {2}.   
C'mon Mercury in ENGLISH! Or whatever the natural language is for us..."  
  
"Uhhh, guys.Whenever you shatter a Foo Foo into itsy bitsy pieces all of   
the pieces form new Foo Foos! We're just making more and more of them!"  
Mercury tries again.  
  
"Oh wonderful..." Sailor Pluto pauses in the act of smashing a Foo Foo.   
"Now what?"  
  
"You dweebs... do I ALWAYS have to bail you out?" a new voice calls out. A   
very whining, peevish, irritating voice.  
  
The day ominously darkens.  
  
Cats, Sailors, and Foo Foos all turn towards the newest newcomer. She   
was a short pipsqueak dressed from head to toe in a stomach turning   
pink sailor suit.  
  
"Oh nooo..." Sailor Moon whispers in horror.  
  
Miming the poses of the elder Sailors the newcomer begins her   
introduction.... IN THE HORRIBLE RENIE/RINI/REENY/REENIE VOICE!!!  
  
"I am Sailor Chibi Moon the Annoying..." At that moment the pink haired,   
red eyed intruder catches sight of Tuxedo Mask standing next to   
Sailor Moon.  
  
"Mamo-chan!" the red eyed spore squeals and heaves herself at the   
surprised caped-man. She makes contact with silken tuxedo material and   
clings on ferociously.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Tuxedo Mask fruitlessly claws and tugs at the thing hanging   
from his chest. "AHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"  
  
But Chibi Usa, true to her nickname --'Spore' if you didn't know-- refuses   
to be budged. Tuxedo Mask begins screaming and running around in circles.  
  
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"  
  
"Hey! Get your grubby mitts off my boyfriend!" Sailor Moon runs after the   
shrieking tuxedo clad hero and the gleefully chortling pink-thing.  
  
"Oh boy...." Sailor Uranus gets a huge sweat drop on her head. "But wait... if   
Chibi Moon is here then Saturn can't be far behind..."  
  
"I am the Senshi of Silence..."  
  
"Hey, Saturn! Nice to see you! Now all of the Outers are here!" Uranus calls   
out.  
  
Pluto approaches the smaller figure holding the glaive, raising her hands   
in a gesture of supplication.  
  
"Easy, Saturn...things aren't TOO bad. No need to OVER-REACT..."  
  
The purple clad senshi waits patiently for the others to stop speaking   
before she completes her introduction.  
  
"I am the Senshi of Silence...if you want to know all about second   
childhoods I am the one to see... I am the changing Sailor Saturn! And I am   
NOT a _goth_! Got that straight?"  
  
"ANOTHER one???" Kunzite glares at the Sailors. "Are you expecting   
anyone else?"  
  
Venus looks around the burnt clearing in the park. "Inners, Outers, pink  
fungus child, Tuxie...nope, I think we are all here. Unless the Sailor  
Starlight's show up... or some of those Sailors from the manga..."  
  
"Fine then... all of you are going to DIE!" Kunzite shouts.  
  
Saturn arches an eye at him.  
  
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"   
  
Sailor Moon catches up with Tuxedo Mask and his passenger and flings   
herself at them both. Shortly, Tuxie is dragging around two pig-tailed   
girls in his hysterical circles.  
  
Kunzite scowls when he notices that everyone is watching the tuxedo   
clad man dealing with his women-trouble and no one was paying   
attention to HIM.  
  
"Foo Foo Baddies... attack EVERYONE!" Kunzite shouts waving his arms   
everywhere.  
  
The Sailors stop cheering on the struggling trio and placing bets on who   
will win and turn back to the problem at hand.  
  
"What can we do? We can't attack the Foo Foos...that would just create   
more of them!" Mercury says beginning to sound a bit worried.  
  
"Hmm..." the Sailors ponder this dilemma and then, in the age old method   
of problem-solving, they shove the responsibility over to the handiest   
person.  
  
"Pluto!" Jupiter turns towards the millennia old warrior. "DO something!"  
  
"I can't..." Pluto shakes her head, trying to think of a way to squirm out of   
the situation "That power is...uhhh forbidden...Yes! It would kill me..." The  
green haired warrior dons her patented "coolly mysterious" look.  
  
"This is the ANIME! Not the manga! You won't die!" Jupiter reminds the   
green haired Sailor.  
  
"Oh...very well. " Sailor Pluto holds up the Time Staff."I really hate doing   
this." she mutters to herself. Everyone turns to stare as great power   
slowly builds.  
  
"TIME STOP!" Pluto uses her forbidden power in order to halt the battle.  
  
Foo Foo Baddies, Sailors, and cats turns towards each other   
experimentally moving their limbs.  
  
"It does not appear to have worked..." Mercury comments quietly.  
  
"That's not POSSIBLE!" Pluto stares in disbelief at her garnet topped   
staff..  
  
"Actually..." Venus tilts her head listening..." The sounds from the city   
have stopped. I think you froze time for everyone EXCEPT us!"  
  
"©ø§ª–£" Pluto says and slams her Time Staff into the ground.   
  
"I can only use my forbidden attack once every 30,000 miles or every 6   
months, whichever comes last. Don't worry... it will wear off eventually."   
Pluto indicates the city and stalks off in a snit.  
  
"Well, that helped...NOT." mutters Jupiter under her breath.  
  
The Foo Foo Baddies continue their charge towards the Sailors.....  
  
"SILENCE WALL!"  
  
....and bounce haplessly off the invisible forcefield maintained by Saturn.  
  
"Hey!" Kunzite shouts angrily."Foo Foo's ATTACK!"  
  
The Foo Foo Baddies continue to hurl themselves against the barrier   
protecting the Sailors. The strain of holding the forcefield against the   
onslaught of dark power shows on Saturn's face but she stands firm.  
  
Meanwhile, Pluto watches Tuxedo Mask struggle with the two pig-tailed   
females... and shrugs. Why not? After CENTURIES she was finally away   
from the Time Gate-- why not have a little bit of fun while she was out?   
Within a moment Tuxedo Mask's hysterical circles are dragged to a snails   
pace by the three women --or child in Chibi Usa's case--hanging onto him.  
  
Sailor Mars notices this and smirks evilly to herself. Darien had belonged   
to HER first...not counting that tryst with the Moon Princess during the   
Silver Millennium of course...and it HAD been awhile since she had any   
good lines to say or any really good action sequences. Mars tackles   
Tuxedo Mask and adds on to the pile of sailors hanging unto him.  
  
"Tug of War!"  
  
"Uh girls...." Tuxedo Mask staggers to a halt. "This might be fun at another   
time, but I don't think the middle of a battle is the place for this..."  
  
Paying no attention to what their captive was saying, Moon, Chibi Moon,  
Mars, and Pluto exchange evil looks and cling harder.  
  
"The problems of being too beautiful..." Jupiter says sagely as she sits   
safely behind Saturn's barrier, watching the drama unfold before her and   
eating popcorn.  
  
"AHHH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"  
  
Venus shakes her head at the poor struggling Tuxedo Mask and sidles up   
to Saturn's side.  
  
"There is something I've been meaning to ask, and since Pluto appears to   
be busy now..." begins Venus with a smile.  
  
"What is it?" Saturn asks quietly keeping her concentration on   
maintaining the Silence Wall.  
  
"Why do you SHOUT the 'SILENCE Wall' and yet Pluto WHISPERS the 'Death   
SCREAM'?" Venus asks innocently.  
  
The mystery of this paradox confounds Saturn so much that she   
unconsciously drops the forcefield. With glee the Foo Foo Baddies begin   
attacking the Sailors with renewed strength. Despite the numbers --or   
perhaps it was because half of the Sailors were piled atop Tuxedo   
Mask... who knows...--the Foo Foos were easily defeating the Sailor   
Scouts... Senshi... Soldiers...  
  
It was then that Jupiter receives her brain storm.  
  
"Moogle' she says to Tuxedo Mask.  
  
"WHAT!!!!!" Tuxedo Mask roars as he straightens up, sending female bodies   
flying everywhere. "THAT NAME! HIM! HE DARED TO TRY AND TAKE MY   
PLACE WITH SERENA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Tuxedo Mask begins rampaging around the park and, as Jupiter had   
hoped, he spots Kunzite directing the charge of the Foo Foo Baddies. With a   
bestial roar Tuxedo Mask charges, about to wreak vengeance-- and   
misplaced anger-- on the hapless Nega-verse prince? general? some kind  
of high ranking person....  
  
Tuxedo Mask reaches within a dozen feet of Kunzite and it seems the day   
is saved, when he is tackled from behind by one child, two girls, and one   
grown woman. So close and yet so far...  
  
"Doh!" Jupiter cries out in frustration. "There are way too MANY female   
hormones on the loose here!" she announces and is confused why everyone  
is laughing at her.  
  
With the Sailors' best chance of taking down Kunzite in a fit of anger   
buried underneath about 400 lbs of Sailor Senshi, slowly the Foos Foos   
overwhelm the remaining Senshi.  
  
Kunzite is deciding who to kill first when a desperate Saturn staggers to   
her feet. With no hope of the Sailors defeating the Foo Foo Baddies -- and   
knowing that no one would be able to live with the shame of being   
defeated by a Foo Foo-- she begins HER forbidden attack.  
  
"DEATH RIBBON...."  
  
When suddenly... [["There is that 'when suddenly' again!]]  
  
~*~  
  
Well, this seems as good a place as any to stop. *WEG*  
  



	4. He played knick-knack on my floor

A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y: Part 4  
  
Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors   
tired of the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.  
  
(Ah finally, the last section! As you can tell, this was originally   
intended to read in one go and it doesn't break up into one chapters so   
well. ^^; Well, anyway, lets watch the crazy hijinks that ensue when Tenchi   
chooses Tsunami in the final episode!)  
  
~*~  
  
"I am the Senshi of Balance... the Narrator Sailor Charon!" [[" Ha ha ha   
ha ha!!!!" The narrator runs about gleefully since Pluto NEEDS her to do   
this and can't STOP her... *whack*...]]  
  
Everyone's heads snap up as they turn in surprise to the unexpected   
newcomer... no NEWCOMERS. The crater pocked park was SURROUNDED by   
Sailor Senshi!  
  
"Whoa..."  
  
"I am the Senshi of Renewal... Sailor Tethys!" announces a petite girl   
who bears a striking resemblance to Sailor Saturn.  
  
"And I am the Senshi of Memories....Sailor Callisto!" announces another   
sailor suited girl, this one standing at the opposite end of the park.  
  
Sailor Moon seems quite pleased at this announcement. Who could blame   
her...after all, it was her boyfriend who had been voted 'Most Likely to   
Forget His Own Name'. She, herself, had lost that title by only one   
vote...  
  
"I am the Senshi of Emotion....Sailor Io!" Surprisingly this Sailor is a   
male, complete with full male version of the Sailor Suit.  
  
In fact half of the senshi surrounding the park were males...  
  
Some unnamed Planet Senshi shouts 'WOO HOO!"  
  
The energy drained Molly --who had been forgotten by everyone in the   
excitement of the fight-- suddenly leaps to her feet and in a flash of   
light transforms.  
  
"I am da Senshi of Saprises(Surprises)...Saila Enceladas!" she calls   
out.  
  
"Molly?" Everyone facefaults and those who personally knew the   
supposedly ordinary friend of Serena's collapse in surprise.  
  
"So THAT's why she keeps getting attacked. She was just full of senshi   
energy!" Mars comments.  
  
Forty five minutes later the new Sailors finish introducing themselves.   
Sweat drops abound on the heads of the Inner and Outer Senshi, the   
cats, Foo Foo Baddies, and on Kunzite.  
  
"And we are the Senshi of the Moons!" the silver-haired Sailor Charon   
concludes as she poses with her yin-yang symboled Mobius Staff.  
  
"What! I thought you said that all the Sailors were already here!"   
Kunzite can not stop himself from shouting. This was a most distressing   
development.  
  
"There ARE no other Sailors...for this galaxy anyway..." Venus replies   
in shock.  
  
"Yeah... who ARE you?" Sailor Jupiter questions in amazement.  
  
"What?! We ARE the Senshi of the Moons... you surely don't want to us to   
repeat ALL of our introductions? Weren't you paying attention for the   
first half hour?" Charon frowns down at the other Sailors.  
  
"That's not possible....Senshi for ALL the moons?" Uranus asks.  
  
"There is a Sailor for Earth's moon!" Charon points her staff at Sailor   
Moon."Why not for the other moons in this galaxy?"  
  
"But do you KNOW how many moons there are in this galaxy?" Luna   
asks, still disbelieving the new Sailors' claims.  
  
The Moon Senshi exchange glances.  
  
"Yes," Sailor Charon gestured towards the Sailors surrounding the park."   
I think we know how many of us there are."  
  
"Incredible..." Sailor Neptune draws in a breath and looks at the   
many, many, many, many, many, more companion fighters there are.  
  
"But MALE senshi?" Jupiter asks.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong with male senshi?" Sailor Io demands.  
  
Jupiter thinks about it a moment and a smile comes to her lips.  
  
"Nothing..." she says innocently.  
  
"We've hit the JACKPOT!" Jupiter mouths to the grinning Sailor Venus.  
  
"HA! HA! HA!," Tuxedo Mask's voice comes out muffled from beneath the   
pile of women. "I knew there could be male senshi! EARTH STAR POWER!"  
  
With the women still clinging to him Tuxedo Mask transforms into the   
Senshi of Forgetfulness, Sailor Earth. In the MALE sailor suit...so   
don't get any funky ideas! Several voices are raised in protest in the   
background.  
  
"Noo... I am Darien's sister... the REAL Sailor Earth!"  
  
"I come from the future... Sailor Earth!"  
  
"I come from the past... Sailor Earth!"  
  
"I am Terra... aka Sailor Earth!"  
  
"No.. I AM TERRA... also known as Sailor Earth!"  
  
"No I AM!"  
  
"I am the Senshi of Earth... Sailor Earth!"  
  
"No you're NOT! I AM!"  
  
"Hmm...I seem ta rememba bein' Saila Earth in a parallel unaverse."   
Molly adds.  
  
"HEY!" Tuxedo Mask aka Sailor Earth --well, technically he isn't wearing   
a tuxedo or a mask anymore, so that old name is out-- shouts. "EVERYONE   
knows that I am the unofficial Senshi of the Earth! _I_ get to be Sailor   
Earth!"  
  
The background voices quiet down with one last cry of 'Copyright   
Infringement!'  
  
Unfortunately, Darien in Sailor Earth form still wasn't strong enough to   
overcome the females glued to his costume. Sailor Tethys looks at the   
pile of women on top of Tuxedo Mask.... err Sailor Earth.  
  
"I think that the Sailor Team NEEDS more males from the look of it...."  
  
"TETHYS!" Charon admonishes.  
  
Kunzite draws in a deep breath.  
  
"I don't care how many of you there are! Eight or eighty...the mighty   
Nega-verse which is somehow insanely linked to every single villain even   
when the actual Nega-verse is destroyed..." Kunzite pauses for another deep   
breath. "...will triumph! Yes, it will triumph...even though every other   
villain has been destroyed or converted...THIS *gasp* time we will   
triumph! triumph... Triumph.... TRIUMPH! Bon Bon...I mean, Foo Foo Baddies   
ATTACK!"  
  
"CHARON DARK RISING!"  
  
"TETHYS IMPACT CRATER!"  
  
"IO LIGHT STAR!"  
  
"ENCELADAS POWA DRAIN!"  
  
There is a sudden cacophony of sound as all of the Moon Senshi   
simultaneously yell out their attacks. The park is awash in light,   
colors, and powers.... and finally when everyone can see again they find   
themselves surrounded by millions of Foo Foo Baddies.  
  
"Eep..." says Sailor Charon.  
  
"Dat's na good..." says Molly aka Sailor Enceladas.   
  
It takes several moments for everyone else to figure out what she just   
said. Apparently being in Sailor form heightened her accent.  
  
"Wwe...ddidn't have tttime to tell you about the FFfoo Foos mmultiplying   
when they are sshhattered..." a wide eyed Mercury stutters.  
  
Pluto looks up from her tug of war game over Sailor Earth between   
her, Chibi Moon, Sailor Moon, and Sailor Mars.  
  
"Charon, you were the narrator...YOU should have KNOWN better!" she   
chastises.  
  
Charon looks around at the sea of Foo Foo Baddies. She and Tethys   
exchange an unreadable look and then the white-suited Sailor leaps down   
into the park. She rushes towards the place where Sailor Earth is slowly   
being suffocated.  
  
"As long as we are going to die..." Charon says as she begins beating   
Pluto over the head with the Mobius Staff.  
  
"Now there IS no choice." Sailor Saturn murmurs as she lifts the Silence   
Glaive above her head.  
  
"DEATH RIBBON..."  
  
"What do you MEAN 'Death Ribbon'??? It's 'Death REBORN Revolution!'   
Don't you know your own attack?" Jupiter interrupts.  
  
Saturn scowls, peeved that her great dramatic moment was interrupted.  
  
"Excuse me, I am trying to destroy and recreate a world here. And YES, I   
DO know the names of my own attacks!"  
  
"DEATH RI..."  
  
"I have to agree with Jupiter, here... Death RIBBON Revolution? Ribbons   
are going to destroy the Earth?!? Anyway, I am quite sure that I've   
heard of 'Death Reborn Revolution' before." intervenes Venus.  
  
Saturn sighs in annoyance.  
  
"Yes,there IS a 'Death Reborn Revolution' in the manga...however, the   
videogame associated with the anime uses 'Death RIBBON Revolution'!"  
Saturn explains, her patience growing thin.  
  
"Oh come on...RIBBON?...."  
  
"Is it so much worst then an evolving leaf or a loving chain?" Saturn   
quips.  
  
"Hey, we never claimed that our powers could destroy the world! You, on   
the other hand, seem to want to raze the world with RIBBONS..." Jupiter   
retorts.  
  
"I can't believe that I am debating the name of my own POWER with two   
Sailors who have had the exact same HAIRDOs for YEARS!" Saturn finally   
bursts out as she waves the Silence Glaive around in exasperation.  
  
"Hey, are you insulting our hairstyles?" Jupiter demands.  
  
"No, I think it is very CREATIVE that you always have your hair in a   
pony-tail and Venus always has on that stupid red bow..."  
  
"I'll have you know that a guy I really liked told me I looked GOOD in   
this bow....!""  
  
Neptune gazes at the arguing trio in faint amazement. Jupiter, Venus,and   
Saturn are arguing about hairstyles, Pluto, Moon, Mars, and Chibi Moon   
are occupied with Tux... Sailor Earth, Charon is occupied with bashing   
Pluto, the 100 or so Senshi of the Moons are in deep discussion with   
Mercury, Luna, and Artemis trying to convince them of their legitimacy--  
Molly being a Sailor Senshi appeared to detract from their case... even   
herUranus is flirting with Tethys. It appeared that everything is left up   
to her.  
  
Casually Sailor Neptune calls forth her Deep Aqua Mirror.  
  
"SUBMARINE REFLECTION!"  
  
Neptune sees that Kunzite is the source of the dark energy -- as if   
everyone didn't KNOW that already-- and unseen she approaches him.   
Taking a hint from the one formerly known as Tuxedo Mask's nearly   
successful attempt on Kunzite, Neptune begins to channel her anger....  
  
"Hai-yaaaaaah!!!" the teal clad senshi leaps at the unsuspecting   
Kunzite. "This is for all those stupid people who don't move AWAY from this city   
even AFTER they have their Heart Crystals, Dream Mirrors, Star   
Seeds, Rainbow Crystals, and everything and anything in between stolen!"   
Neptune bashes Kunzite over the head with the Deep Aqua Mirror.  
  
Before Kunzite can protest Neptune strikes again."And this is for the   
people who are too blind to recognize who we are when our only disguise   
is a lousy tiara!"  
  
Kunzite tries to block Neptune's attack,but the turquoise haired Senshi   
is in a frenzy. "And THIS is for having me transform into a suit that looks   
almost EXACTLY like my school outfit, only with a shorter skirt! What   
kind of protection is THAT?!"  
  
Kunzite takes one look at Neptune and begins running. "AHHHHHHHH! MAD   
WOMAN ON THE LOOSE! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAD WOMAAAAAAA"*whack*"   
OUCH!"  
  
Neptune raises the mirror again. "And THIS is for the names that our   
American counterparts are going to end up with! Corrine? Celia? Nerissa?   
HA!"  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
"And while we are on the subject of names... WHAT kind of title is   
'SAILOR'??? Is that supposed to strike terror in the hearts of   
villains?" Kunzite gets a nice round bump on the noggin from that one.  
  
Kunzite tries once again to run away but Neptune is instantly behind   
him.  
  
"And THIS is for anyone who STILL refuses to believe the truth about me   
and Haruka..." *WHACK*  
  
Kunzite begins shouting for the other Sailor Senshi to save him but they   
are too busy arguing... I mean, DEBATING to pay any heed.  
  
"And THIS is for making all the original Senshi FEMALES..."  
  
"Hey..." Kunzite weakly interjects. "What do you care about that?"  
  
Neptune pauses for a moment." I don't really, but I'm sure that the   
other Sailors do..."  
  
Neptune continues"And THIS is for all the stupid villains who keep   
attacking Tokyo.. over and over and over again... and who have no CLUE   
that they should move on to other cities after they have been defeated for   
the umpteenth time!"  
  
Kunzite gets bashed over the head again. You wouldn't think that a   
mirror could levy such a blow...  
  
"And THIS is because I am the Princess of Neptune yet I don't get to   
wear a pretty princess dress like Serena!" Kunzite is clobbered.  
  
"And WHY are their no Outers in 'The Past Returns' episode??? We WERE   
part of the Silver Millennium, you know!"*THUMP*  
  
"And WHY does Sailor Moon have about fifteen different attacks and   
costumes while I only have TWO of EACH???"  
  
Kunzite begins waving around a white flag desperately.  
  
"And THIS is for all those bad Sailor Moon sites on the Internet..."  
  
It seemed that the day was saved when suddenly...  
  
"Drat!" exclaims Sailor Charon as she pops her head up and looks around   
suspiciously. A swirly-eyed Pluto still smiles and clings to Sailor   
Earth. "There's that 'when suddenly' again!"  
  
... when suddenly the sound of snapping fingers echoes throughout the   
quite-crowded-at-the-moment park.  
  
"Like an over-aged star dropping out of sight in Hollywood..." says one   
mysterious voice.  
  
"Like a smear of butter dripping off your corncob and dribbling down   
your chin-- does anyone else find that annoying?" continues another voice.  
  
"Oh, you've *got* to be kidding!" Sailor Earth's groan is muffled underneath   
all the women.  
  
"Like a hot wind blowing through a desert-- we are the Moonlight-- err   
we are the Sailor Starlights!" the final voice proclaims.  
  
"HEY! THAT''S MY LINE! YOU STOLE MY LINE!!!" Sailor Earth leaps up and   
down in fury. Several drained bodies wake up enough to whip out cameras and   
take pictures of various bouncing and jiggling Sailors still clinging to him.  
  
"Errr... muffin..." Sailor Moon's whip-lashing ponytails take out   
several nearby trees and drooling fanboys. "Let them keep it! Let them   
keep it!"  
  
"Wheeee!" Sailor Pluto adds.  
  
"No panty shots!" yells Mars.  
  
"All your Mamoru belong to me." The spore glares and clings tighter.  
  
"Err... *ahem*?" The three mysterious figures pause and clear their   
throats. "Stage out!"  
  
Kunzite looks up from the ground at the three androgynous people in   
leather bondage outfits dramatically standing backlit by the sun. "ARGH!   
I'm blind! Quick Neptune, hit me again! Oww!"  
  
"You're a bit late, aren't you?" Neptune says dryly as she taps her   
mirror against a wrist.  
  
"Oh, don't tell me you whipped the baddies already." Sailor Starhealer   
pouts as she smooths down a stray strand of silver hair "I was *so* looking   
forward to Starmaker's attack."  
  
"Oh, shut up. Everyone always makes fun of my attack." Sailor Starmaker   
glares around at the congregated sailors, the light of the sun reflecting   
off her forehead and blinding all unwary eyes.  
  
"And you were ribbing me about *my* attack name." Saturn giggles and   
pokes Jupiter and Venus in the ribs with her elbows.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"Odango atama!" Starfighter rushes forth ready to embrace the meatballheaded   
one only to find her otherwise... occupied. "Holy &*%^*!!!" she says as she   
gapes at the tangle of sailors in front of her. "What does he have that I   
don't?"  
  
"My own lines," Earth snaps back. "And all the proper equipment in the   
proper places." Moon giggles maniacally at his words.  
  
*cough cough* "Ahem, keep is G-rated" *cough cough* Sailor Charon says.   
The millions of foo foo baddies hover bemusedly in the air, unsure of what   
to do now that there master was down for the count. "Still it seems, the day   
is saved when suddenly..." Charon continues.  
  
"Err, Charon? What are you talking about?" Uranus asks.  
  
"Uh, just narrating..." The white-haired senshi smiles widely as she   
sweatdrops.  
  
"What did you just *narrate*?!" Uranus eyebrows lower menacingly.  
  
"Don't tell me this isn't over yet! It's been way over half an hour!"   
Sailor Moon whines.  
  
-- when suddenly a bright blue puff of cloud coalesces in the air above   
the sailors and slides open into a doorway. A blur of blue falls out of the   
gateway and lands daintily on the ground.  
  
"Hiiiiiiii!!!" Fish Eye chirps as he waves wildly. "So *this* is where   
you all went! Oh wow-- that's a %$$*-load of sailors!"  
  
All over the park gateways zip, flip, whip, and slurp open as various   
baddies of the series, season, and day make their grand entrances. There is   
much waving of cloaks, baring of teeth & claws, and various villainous   
posturing. The foo foo and bon bon baddies greet each other, shake hands,   
and make a date for afternoon tea.  
  
"Hey, you can't leave us alone like that! There's no one to scheme   
against!" Wise Man sniffs.  
  
"Oh wowza, oh wowza-- hey's where's Nephrite/Nephlyte?" says Sailor   
Enceladus.  
  
"We missed you guys!" says Sailor Iron Mouse. "Oh geez, were you at it   
like bunnies or what?" she continues as she eyeballs all the new sailors.  
  
"Oh, poor baby!" Zoicite croons as (s)he cradles the poor bopped head of   
Kunzite in its lap. No one can look at Zoicite without their eyes   
tearing up as the figure of the Dark Nega-verse Kingdom's general shifts   
form.  
  
"Gack!" yells Sailor Moon. "Evil overload! Evil overload!" The silver   
crystal shoots out from her chest sending out rainbow beams of light. Sailor   
Moon begins her majestical transformation into Serenity-- unfortunately she   
was still holding unto Sailor Earth at the time. With a final delicate spin   
and a flutter of a frilly white dress she sends Mars, Chibi Moon, Pluto, and   
Earth careening halfway across the park into a new postal zone.  
  
While the other three appear to be... errr... somewhat incapacitated by   
their unexpected flight... Sailor Earth immediately pops up again and whips   
out a pair of pom-poms from his newly aquired sailor inter-dimensional warp   
pocket (tm). "Go baby, go! Naked Serenity transformation! Woo hoo!" he shouts   
as he dances around. Alan, Prince Diamond, and Sailor Star Fighter quite agree   
with him.  
  
"Oh, that's it!" Neptune yells and then transforms into *her* princess   
form. Uh, we'll call her Tranquility. Uranus proceeds to pull out her   
own pom-poms and do her version of the 'go baby' dance. Many people join   
in with her.  
  
"Ooh! Let me take care of them!" Sailor Saturn leaps to the front and   
whips out her silence glaive.  
  
"As narrator, I feel it is my duty--" Sailor Charon says as she lifts   
her Mobius Staff.  
  
"I'll show you! STAAAAAAAR---"  
  
"MOOOOOOOOOOON---"  
  
"NEEEEEEEPTUUUUUUNE---"  
  
"Ooh! Me me me!" Several fanfic senshi jostle for position.  
  
"Wait--" Pluto calls weakly from where she landed. "Not...  
  
"SIIIILENCE GLAAAAIVE---  
  
"CHAAAAARON DAAAAARK---  
  
"MAAAAAAARY SUUUUUUUE---  
  
"COOOOOOSMIIIIIC---"  
  
"OCEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN---  
  
"-- all at once!"  
  
"UUUUUUUTERUS!"  
  
"SUUUURPRISE!"  
  
"DESECRATION!"  
  
"IIIIMPLOOOSION!"  
  
"POOOOOOOWER!"  
  
"HAAAAAARMOOOONY!"  
  
"The various baddies exchange looks and calmly step out of the way of   
the great throbbing maelstrom of dark & light power. The surge of power   
skitters away, the very essence of reality warping around it, until with   
a great "POP" the air ruptures, leaving a gap where many surprised squinchy-  
eyed,   
droopy-haired people peer in.   
  
"Ugh what-- who-- are they?" says Venus.  
  
"Oh boy," says Artemis.  
  
Pluto drags herself across the ground towards the hole in the air. "Oh,   
now you've done it-- now you've done it! You've broken the fourth wall!   
Charon! Stop mumbling to yourself and help me!"  
  
Sailor Charon stops narrating the story long enough to help Pluto   
unscrew the Garnet Orb from atop the Time Staff and replace it with a big-@$$  
paintbrush top. Pluto swipes at the hole in the space-time continuum (the same   
thing would happen if the sailors transformed out of order) and the normal   
scenery of burnt trees, crisped park, drained bodies, and hundreds of sailors   
and baddies fades back in.  
  
"See what happens?" Serenity sniffs. "*I'm* supposed to save the day! No   
one else!"  
  
"So much power... ripped apart the very threads of reality!" Pluto leans   
against her staff and glares at the sheepish sailors around her. "Didn't   
you learn your lesson the *first* time with the foo foo baddies?"  
  
"Biiida," says Sailor Charon. It looks like the Pluto & Charon are in   
for a duel of oversized staffs when red lights flash and sirens go off around   
the park.  
  
"Ack! I swear I didn't steal that pie!" Emeraude yells.  
  
"Not the child protection people?!" Sailor Earth is aghast. His words   
bring a flurry of terror amongst the various creatures in the park for various   
reasons.  
  
"Worst then that." Pluto sighs wearily. "You breached the fourth wall.   
You brought attention down upon us. It's--" And then the millenia old   
warrior's voice mutates into that of a young pre-teen girl.  
  
"Ha ha! What happened, Pluto?" Uranus grins.  
  
"Oh, be quiet-- *Amara*!" The uber-young voice of Pluto snaps back as a   
greater darkness looms over all.  
  
Heroes and villains alike clutch at their heads as the background mists away   
and the world fades in and out of focus.  
  
"What-- what is happening?" Serenity asks and a piggish squeal comes out   
of her throat. "Ack!"  
  
"What happened to your voice?" asks Venus and then clutches at her own   
throat.  
  
And then as one, everyone turns to Neptune and Uranus and points.   
"Ewwww!"  
  
"Uh, they never said what degree cousins we were!" Uranus sweatdrops.  
  
"Momma?" Serenity looks curiously at Neptune.  
  
"Let's not even go there."  
  
"You know, cousins can marry in Japan!"  
  
"You aren't helping, Haruka."  
  
"Oh, Mamo-chan!" Serenity turns to her one true love as tears brim, yet   
again, in her eyes. "I don't sound human any more!"  
  
"That's okay, I still love you!" Sailor Earth assures her as he looks   
around for a gag.  
  
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm still Hotaru!" Saturn skips around the elder sailors   
until she "accidentally" trips over Pluto's Time Staff.  
  
"Oh this is horrible!" Jupiter exclaims. "I feel like Supreme Jupiter   
Sparkling Thunder Wide Pressuring someone!"  
  
"HA HA!" Sailor Starmaker points at Jupiter. "*Now* who has a stupid   
name?"  
  
And then Jupiter does.  
  
While everyone is in an uproar with members of the four earlier seasons   
beating up the Stars characters on general principle, a final dark gateway   
opens up and one last figure enters the park.  
  
"Hey!" says Nephlyte. "What did I miss?"  
  
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"Oh, that's done it!" Pluto yells as the earth quakes and the sky   
splinters apart in crashes of light. She grabs hold of several of the male   
senshi of the moons to help maintain her balance.  
  
"Uh, sure, to help maintain your balance." Charon says as she maintains   
*her* balance using her staff.  
  
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"Not to be repetitive but--- what the ^$^$ is going on?" Mercury asks as   
a piece of the sky falls and shatters at her feet.  
  
"Too many plot holes! Too many breaks in reality! The fanfic's going to   
blow! We gotta get outta here!" Charon yells back.  
  
"Get *out* of here? Out of the fanfic?" A groggy (and grumpy) Mars asks   
as she finally recovers from her Serenity-paid vacation to La La Land.  
  
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"What in the world is going on?" you ask. Everyone turns to gape at you.  
  
"Oh great, it's the *reader*, that's just lovely!" Pluto exclaims as she   
points to you.  
  
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"There's only one place that we all-- original, dub, fanfic-- can   
escape! The Earth Prince's Kingdom! Onward ho!" Pluto closes her eyes and   
waves her staff. A sliver of silver opens into a gateway.  
  
"Where?" Several characters shout. Considering that the world was   
crumbling away beneath their feet as they spoke, they decide that this can   
be discussed later.  
  
"Is there enough time?" Mercury yells as bits of the background scenery   
fragment into itty bitty pieces of nothingness.  
  
The kitchen sink falls out of the sky and lands with a 'splat' in front of you.  
  
"Don't look back-- just *go*!"  
  
You are carried away through the gateway as a stream of characters   
plunges through. The very fabric of this fanfic universe is torn asunder   
while-- while-- while the narrator stands here stupidly narrating!  
  
Sailor Charon dives for the gateway.  
  
The Earth Prince's Kingdom  
http://www.geocities.com/EPK.html  
  
~*END*~  
  
Oh dear, it seems we left Sailor Chibi Moon behind.  
  
If you want further episodes of insanity-- well, too bad, I stopped   
eatingthe paint chips from the wall several years ago. ;) Otherwise e-mail   
your comments, praises, criticisms--no flames please... I'm not Sailor Mars   
after all! Although I AM pretty good with this Mobius Staff-- to   
princeendymion@earthling.net.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
